Some time ago I was at a bar with a group of friends. My friend Rachel seemed to be getting along with one of boyfriend’s buddies, the two of them dancing and having a good time. A couple of days after she asked me if he said anything about her. I told her that he thought she was a nice Jewish girl. “He called me WHAT???” – Rachel was furious. “Who does he think he is? What is that supposed to mean?” She pretty much refused to see him ever again.

Now, granted the girl went a little overboard, but most of the times you say “Nice Jewish Girl/ Boy” you get a surprisingly strong reaction from most people. Most Jewish people. So I ask, what the hell is wrong with us?

Wikipedia suggests the following: “The qualities ascribed to the nice Jewish boy are derived from the Ashkenazic ideal of edelkeit (lit., “nobility” in Yiddish). According to Daniel Boyarin’s Unheroic Conduct (University of California Press, 1997), edelkeit embraces the studiousness, gentleness and sensitivity said to distinguish the Talmudic scholar and make him an attractive marriage partner. In the relatively secular environment of America, the nice Jewish boy is less likely to concentrate on religious study but still faces high expectations to achieve educational and professional success and to behave scrupulously towards his family, community, and the wider world. These qualities are perhaps peppered with a quirkiness or gaucherie that may be endearing to others.”

So, there is a guy that’s Jewish, professionally accomplished or at least ambitious, NICE and yet we hate him? Abbey from Washington DC points out: “Nice Jewish Boy is someone my mom/coworker/married friend wants to set me up who is undoubtedly shorter than I am, works in a boring job that he doesn’t mind, and wants to know before the second cocktail how many children I want.”

The NJB/G phenomenon is not exclusive to American culture, there are similar expressions in other languages, Russian, for example, being one of them. I asked some people in their 20s whether the words “Nice Jewish Girl (or Boy)” make them want to hurl or swoon. Here are some different reactions I got:

I like those words. Gives me a bit of a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Not sure how much meaning they contain, but I know it will make Mom happy.

Eric, Arlington, VA

I fell in love with a Nice Jewish Boy, so the words kind of make me swoon. For me, the words mean that he is sweet, smart, and treats me (and everyone else) with respect. Of course, that might have nothing to do with the fact that he’s Jewish, but I know the way he was raised and it certainly made an impact on him. He’s no White Boy Roy. I can TOTALLY understand why they would make someone hurl, though, because it’s somewhat of a stereotype that can box people into a place they don’t want to be.

Susan, Los Angeles, CA

I don’t have a violent reaction to the use of NJB or NJG—positive or negative. Actually, I use it all the time as shorthand for the type of man I’m looking for. I assume that anyone who is going to set me up with a NJB will know me well enough to tailor the definition to me. And if someone describes me as a NJG, huzzah! Now introduce me to the person you said that to.

Leah, Chicago, IL

There is no such thing as a Nice Jewish Boy/Girl. It’s just a term parents have come up with to describe their children in the hopes of marrying them off. Whether their child is really innocent and purely good doesn’t matter. Basically, that child has just kept enough secrets from their parents to give the impression that they are Nice. Usually, once you meet one of these Nice Jewish Boys or Girls you’re confronted with a completely different person.

Lesly, Atlanta, GA

Personally, “NJB” makes me swoon. I imagine a NJB as a bright, sweet guy who treats women well and has strong Jewish/family values.

Yael, Boston, MA

I’m going to go with gag- there is something wrong there- must be covering something up. But I mean, who wouldn’t want a mensch?

Laura, Somerville, MA

Sounds very boring to me. Who describes themself as “nice”?? It sounds like: i am a good jew, a moral person, i don’t drink a lot or have lots of sex, quite well-behaved and dull

NC, Boston, MA

I used to dislike the expression, it seemed too exclusive and limiting, but as I got to know more people I now view it as a compliment!

David, Boston, MA

Hurl. Jews so often get stereotyped into this. We are originally a fighting people! I hate that we’re played down in the media so often as solely funny or else completely ineffectual.

Sara, NYC

So next time you go out with a guy named David, who is finishing medical school, thinks you’d enjoy seders with his family and seems like an overall NICE guy, I beg you – don’t hold it against him!

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