A life together? Yes!

At my sister’s wedding reception in 2001, the DJ called all the married couples to the floor for the Anniversary Dance. He started the music and started excusing couples from the dance floor, starting with my sister and her new husband, then people who had been married for less than five years, then 10 years and continued dismissing couples in 5 year increments. When he got to 50 years, there were still 7 couples on the floor.

“Wait a minute, wait a minute,” the DJ said as he stopped the music, “I’ve done hundreds of weddings and I’ve never seen so many couples on the floor at 40 years!” We told him to start the music again, because our families weren’t done showing off their long marriages. At 50 years, three couples remained and in the end, it was my Grandparents with nearly 60 years together that won the crown of longest couple.

It was a rare sight to see so many couples with decades of marriage experience. As Valentine’s Day gets closer, Shebrew is looking at how to create and sustain a long lasting relationship.

It isn’t 50/50.

Something we seem to say in our personal ads and to our girlfriends is that we want an equal partner. A man or woman who will split the work evenly with us. Something for 20-somethings to learn from our grandparents is that 50/50 isn’t the key to a happy partnership.

(Photo Credit: Robert Fass)

“I always felt that relationships do not have to be 50-50. One day it might be 90-10; the next day 10-90!” exclaimed Sandy Singer of Boston, Massachusettes. Sandy and her husband Marty recently celebrated 52 years of marriage. “Marty, as a husband and father, always helped with diapering, housework from dishes to laundry. Our roles were not defined according to gender, we chipped in together wherever the need was.”

Robert Fass is the photographer behind As Long As We Both Shall Live, Long-Married Couples in America. Inspired by his parents 47 year marriage, he began interviewing and photographing couples with at least 40 years of marriage behind them and palpable love between them. He shared the same lesson as told to him by Bob and Pat, an interracial couple that married in 1965.

Bob: One of the things that’s hardest to figure out, and what Pat’s talking about, I think, gets to that—is, to get used to the asymmetry of marriage.
Pat: Right.
Bob: It’s not, “one for you, and one for me.” There are just different rhythms and patterns.
Pat: Right.
Bob: And that’s what we really had to school ourselves in. That’s where the talking really became very, very crucial.
The answer is in the mirror.

Dr. Linda Freedman is a family therapist and blogger in Chicago, Illinois. I asked her what people should do to prepare themselves for relationships and she shared, “Somehow get to know yourself. Get therapy maybe, for sure do that if you can, even if you just focus on this one issue and this alone: Your intimacy fears.

“These fears are under our very own radar, unconscious. But they’re not just issues for the books or ‘head cases.’ Everyone has them. Yet it’s hard to talk about something you don’t necessarily know you have.” Freedman continued, “So in my world, you get therapy, you know yourself, then and only then are you going to be ready to deal with your own intimacy issues and ultimately, those of your partner’s.”

If you are still on a university campus, take advantage of the counseling services that are available. Make an appointment and start working on yourself so that you’ll be available when you meet a person you are ready to share your life with.

Issues, what issues?

If you are evaluating yourself and your readiness for a lasting partnership, you might wonder, “What issues am I supposed to talk to the therapist about anyway?” Dr. Freedman says, “My short list of reasons people fear intimacy includes fear of rejection/abandonment, fear of exposure, fear of suffocation, fear of merger (losing our sense of self, identity).” She studied at the Family Institute/Center for Family Studies now located in Evanston, IL in the early 80s and advises that this list is still what we need to focus on.

For her book Unhooked Generation, Jillian Straus interviewed 100 GenXers about their romantic history and aspirations. In the end, she agrees with Dr. Freedman, “The one theme that takes precedence over everything else in all the stories of true love that I heard is that, when something is wrong in these people’s relationships, they consider first what they themselves might be doing wrong to cause the problems.”

Looking back

After interviewing so many couples, Fass has a two pieces of advice for singles in their twenties. “The absolute number one subject that gets raised again and again by the couples is their dismay at the lack of what they consider financial responsibility in the younger generations they see today. I heard over and over about how they would never buy anything before they had the money to pay for it, regardless of how long it took them to get it.” Considering how often financial stress is a cause in divorce, how we deal with credit, debt, saving and spending is certainly something to communicate with our partners carefully.

As an engaged man in his 40s, Fass said, “I wish I had known that people are allowed to make mistakes; and that they can, and SHOULD, take responsibility for those mistakes. Neither partner needs to be perfect. In fact, you can’t be.”

Reflecting on her life with Marty, Singer said, “I have had what many women do not have today - a long lasting stable relationship that has fulfilled me as a woman, a wife, a person. I have been so lucky and I am grateful every day.”

Resources

For inspiration visit http://www.longmarriedcouples.com where Robert has collected portraits and interviews with couples who have at least 40 years together. He also has a catalog available that is a great gift for anyone who needs to be inspired by the wealth of wisdom these couples share.

Click Here to visit the As Long as We Both Shall Live website.

For ongoing insights visit Dr. Linda Freedman blogs regularly at http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com

For “ah ha” moments to share with your girlfriends, purchase Unhooked Generation by Jillian Straus.