When it comes to the subject opposite-sex cohabitation, you’ve no doubt heard the adage “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?” This phrase may seem harmless, but the subtext is clear: women, you have something of value, so don’t just go giving it away to the next Tal, Dov, or Hillel who comes along. What bothers me about this line of thinking is not just that we’re equated to property (livestock, no less) that can be bought or sold, but that we have something to give up and that men are the sole beneficiaries of our virtue. I prefer to think of opposite-sex cohabitation as something both people enter into equally, and hopefully, with eyes wide open. There are many people who believe living together before marriage or without being married is wrong, that two people in an opposite-sex relationship should only move in together after they are legally wed. Whichever side of the aisle you may sit on this issue, you have plenty of company. There are just as many people shacking up as there are people who decry them for living in sin. If you are considering moving in with someone, perhaps you are asking yourself, why test the waters? Why not just take the plunge?

Why Test The Waters?
There are a myriad of reasons why people move in together without being married. You spend all of your time at his place while still paying rent on yours. You are genuinely in love and truly enjoy each other’s company. You plan to get married within a year or some time down the road. You want to know if you can live with this person on a daily basis in the long term. You are perfectly happy as cohabitating partners with no plans of marrying. You might lose a pension or retirement benefit if you marry your love. Whatever your reasons may be for shacking up, only you and your partner know what is best for your relationship. If you are considering cohabitation, I would advise against moving in together if you already have serious communication or other relationship problems. Living together will not fix them or make things better. Unless you are fairly serious about your relationship and it’s clear that you both want to move in together, I would advise against shacking up on a whim, just because it seems like a good idea. If your relationship is strong, you have good communication skills together, and you are good friends, you stand a better chance than if you are newly dating and mildly infatuated with one another.

Why Not Just Take The Plunge?
Many people believe that marriage is the only reason for couples to move in together. From this point of view, living together is based on impermanence, that either partner can leave at any time without suffering the consequences of a public marriage and subsequent divorce. Marriage is a lifelong commitment wherein couples establish the foundation of their relationship and develop a long-lasting bond and, perhaps, even a family. Cohabitation, on the other hand, is based more on trying things out, not on building things up. Since living together allows for the “easy out,” people believe that cohabitating couples are less likely to remain together during the “for worse” times. Some think shacking up is downright sinful, that it’s not the right thing to do before G-d. Moving in together after you’re married can be a wonderful time of discovery for couples. You’re already in love and have committed to one another, and moving in together allows you to know each other on another level: as roommates and life partners. It adds another layer to an already rich, textured relationship. I would advise against this if you rush into marriage or if you do not know your spouse well. It is best to know your mate on many levels, during good times and bad times, before you decide to commit your lives together, let alone share a home. As with cohabitation, don’t assume getting married will make a troubled relationship better. Quite often, it has the opposite effect. So take your time and get to know one another before walking down the aisle and across the threshold. After all, you do have your entire lives to spend together. What’s one more year or two of dating in the long run?

What If I’m Still Dog Paddling?
You may hear or read statistics that claim that couples that live together before marriage are more likely to divorce than those who don’t. Please read these studies carefully so that you understand what data is being compared. A causal connection is not necessarily being made and statistics can be misleading to prove certain agendas. Generally speaking, people who are open to cohabitation are more liberal (socially and politically) and are not opposed to divorce. Those opposed to cohabitation tend to be more conservative, more religiously active, and are opposed to divorce. Comparing these two groups and their patterns for cohabitation and marriage is akin to comparing apples to oranges. If you are considering cohabitation and you’re uncertain, by all means, take your time to make your decision. If statistics and studies make you feel better, then do your homework. If talking to others will help you understand the realities of marriage and cohabitation, then chat up your friends and family members. Ultimately, though, only you and your partner will know what is best for you.

Susan Ledgerwood is divorced. She lived with her high-school sweetheart for four years but we never married. Susan met her ex-husband a few months before graduating from college and married him two months after graduation to divorce him three years later. She now lives with her fiance. They’ve been dating for almost six years and have been living together for five of those years. Susan would like to repeat: only you know what is best for you.