My 7 year old daughter is on a musical theater kick. Being musical theater buffs ourselves, my husband and I are thrilled about it. Lately, she has been singing all the songs to Wicked. Sometimes it makes me cringe hearing her croon the lyrics, “Loathing, unadulterated loathing”and “Popular, you want to be popular,” but I smile at the hopes that a lifelong theater going passion is taking root. She has asked to see the show when it comes to town next Spring, but before we shell out the hundreds of dollars for 3 tickets to Wicked, we have told her she should get to know the genre better so we Netflixed Fiddler on the Roof. My memories of Fiddler on the Roof are deeply nostalgic. But I was unprepared for the lesson in parenting that would come from this adventure.

The day the movie arrived, I popped popcorn and sat us in front of the television. 3 HOURS LONG? I began to rethink my original idea. But, we dive in.

First, we are singing “Tradition, Tradition!” and then, “Matchmaker” and on to “May the Lord Protect and Defend you”. I am weepy on the sofa. My daughter rolls her eyes. We move on to “L’Chaim to Life” and “Sunrise, Sunset”. I look at her. She is hooked. I smile.

However, as the story unfolds, I am reminded of the context of these sappy songs. Haltingly I come to realize that I will soon have to explain topics like pogroms, anti-semitism, revolutions, and interfaith marriages. “Wait” I say, “maybe you want to take a break from the movie”. But she is engrossed. We trudge on, I grit my teeth and hope no questions will come. They do. “Why are people burning those houses?” “Why is he not talking to his daughter?”I am at a loss to answer.

Fiddler on the Roof tells of the past, but the themes of racial hatred and fear of the unknown continue today. There is an abundance of hatred and cruelty. But in her protected world, such a concept is hard to understand. What do I tell her? How do I let her know of the hatred in the world and at the same time reassure her of her safety? Luckily, she is involved with the movie, and lets it go for the moment.

Today, however, I find that my daughter has learned more from Fiddler on the Roof, and I am unprepared for this. 1 year ago she became a sister for the first time. Adjustment to this enormous change in our family has been difficult at best. She had been the queen of the household for six and half years and acquiring a sibling has rattled her throne. While bathing today, she says, “We have traditions in our family”. I think this is cute and break into song. She interrupts, “IT’S NOT FUNNY! We have traditions, and they are not changing in my lifetime!” Being a therapist and oh! so adept at parenting, I know where this is coming from. I reflect back to her, “yeah, change is hard.” She responds, “No, we have traditions, they are important, and you are not listening to me”. I don’t know what to do next. I freeze, then I call in her father. When all else fails, pass the buck.

What specifically is her beef? On Shabbat, my husband reads me the Eshet Hael (the Woman of Valor blessing) in English. She has always assisted by acting it out. Recently he changed the translation from “Beauty is vain” to “Beauty is fleeting”. The change is subtle, but she was devastated. I wonder why. While the nuances of the word may not be understood by her, perhaps deep down she senses that childhood is fleeting. Maybe she feels that, like Tevye, she cannot stop the currents of change in our home, in the world, in her life.

But, now that she is in bed, I am awestruck. She is right. Family is about tradition. Tevye said it and so did she. As Jews, as Americans, perhaps our traditions define us. The rituals, the choices, the changes are all part of tradition. And for my child, tradition is comfort, security. I realize, as I do regularly in the journey they call parenting, that it is my children who teach me. I am once again humbled.

Gabrielle Kaufman, MA, ADTR, NCC, is a counselor, dance/movement therapist, parenting
teacher and mother of 2 living in Los Angeles.