I have a problem. I have a very hard time saying no to people who are pushy, especially if they are my friends. I end up going to things I don’t want to go to, and spending way too much time with them. My friend is lovely, but there is only so much I can take! We’re also in the same dance class, sometimes I feel like I’m trapped.
I’d like to stay connected with her, more on my terms – but how??? Help me, Shebrew!

The power of suggestion is a wonderful thing. Your friend is only pushing your around because you’re letting them. How do you know they’ll shoot down any suggestions you make for things to do? When your friend suggests you go out, suggest you do something else instead of what you don’t want to do. This might work, but another tactic would be to start inviting this friend to do things you want to do. Beat them to the punch and plan an activity and invite them along. By taking the initiative, you’re in control of what you do with your time, you’ll get to hang out with this friend still, and saying no every once in a while when they make a suggestion you don’t like wont’ feel so bad.

Lesly H.

I’ve had this problem many times in my life…we are often socialized to be people pleasers. The other side of pleasure is pain, so unfortunately, when you try to please others, you end up suffering. It is perfectly acceptable and totally possible for you to maintain friendships on your own terms. The trick is to balance your own needs with those of your loved ones. Once you start setting personal boundaries, you will learn when to put your own needs first and when to be there for others. Start off slow, with small decisions, so you can get used to the feeling of saying no to your friends. Build up your confidence and your strategies for remaining firm in your decisions. No is not a bad word. Understanding this is the key to setting and keeping any personal boundaries in your life. No to someone else is actually a yes to yourself. Think how happy and at peace you are/will be when you say yes to yourself! Remember to be polite about it (No, thank you) and remain firm. You don’t owe anyone any explanations or excuses – your life is yours to live.

Susan L.

Practice saying no on small things. No, thank you, I’d rather have a latte. No, this is too expensive for me. No, not today.
There are really two problems there: one is that you can’t say no, and the other one is that your friend wants everything to be about her. Now that you’ve learned how to say no, it’s time to make this about you. Talk to her, tell her you’re overwhelmed. If it’s a group of people don’t be afraid to leave – you can always grab a drink with them, but skip the movie. Suggest other things you can do together. Hell, lie and say you’re gonna be busy for the next week (or month?). One small step at a time, things can be balanced and lovely again. If not, see above on how to make new friends. Good luck!

Anna B.