During the first couple of months together my boyfriend and I had more fights than some people do in years. And we are not talking a minor argument here – hours upon hours of true drama. We’ve been together for over a year now, and while sometimes we still disagree, we don’t really have fights anymore. We’ve cracked the code!

Fighting is like a dance. You step forward, your partner steps forward. After that you can bump heads and turn it into a wrestling match, or step back and continue finding a way out.

I believe that fighting is crucially important for a couple. You are really missing out on getting to know your partner if you skip the fights. Fights can be scary, but if you’re in it for real, it will come together in the end.

Here are some thoughts and “rules” for having a fair fight.

First, look inside yourself. Where are you coming from? How do you really feel? Be completely honest, even it sounds silly or exaggerated.

Important note – if your partner has been annoying the hell out of you for a while, is treating you like dirt and you actually think you’d be better off alone, do not ignore those thoughts. Think about the real reasons – are you annoyed because he left the window down, or is it because he hasn’t returned your calls for two weeks?

Second, and most important – COMMUNICATE. Now that you’ve (hopefully) figured out what’s bothering you, go ahead and say it. Be careful with your words, but don’t omit anything. Start with “I”, not with “You”.

Bad: “You always diss my friends”
Good “I didn’t think what you said about Emily was fair”

Don’t let your partner get away with the always/ never bluff, either. Ask for specific examples.

Third, and also really crucial – once you’ve heard him/her out, imagine what it’s like to be in their shoes. Have you ever been in a similar situation? How did it make you feel? “Trying on” somebody’s emotional state is key to really understanding them.

Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Share your fears, or if something makes you uncomfortable.

Example:
A - You never want to have fun!
B – What do you mean “never”? Like when?
A – Like tonight, when you dragged me out of that party!
B - Bad – Well, you are obviously having WAAAY too much fun chatting up all random strangers
B- Better – I’m sorry, I was uncomfortable because you were around your old friends and I didn’t know anyone there.

Do not turn the blame on them. Talk it out.

Say “I’m sorry” often – especially if you are.

Define your terms – we don’t put the same meaning into everyday words describing feelings. When some people say “afraid” they actually mean “angry” etc If you’re arguing about something specific might as well find out if you’re talking about the same thing here.

Don’t shout or be violent. Don’t generalize or call each other names.

Take your time to think through what you’re about to say.

Remember to be gentle and loving – you will get through it.

And finally - never, never go to bed angry!