In this edition of Shebrew’s advice column 3 Jews, 5 Opinions, we present marriage, drama and interfaith “betrayal.” Sound exciting? Read on…

A and I had been dating for 2 months when I received an invitation to my friend Rivka’s wedding. Rivka is my oldest friend. Our families are best friends and we grew up together outside of Chicago. We went to the same Conservative synagogue, but neither of us really connected with the tradition. In college, Rivka became more observant and got engaged to an orthodox man right after graduation.

A is a wonderful man. We’re very compatible in every way, and I can see myself spending many years with him. But, since the wedding, I’m not sure how to proceed with the relationship. Help me, Shebrew!

Dear Reader,
First of all, let me start by saying that no relationship — between two people of the same faith, or of different faiths – comes without work. No relationship is going to glide smoothly along without arguments or fights, or feelings of hurt. The object of the game is to find someone that you love and who loves you so that your relationship is worth the energy that goes into making it solid and longlasting.

The most impressive thing to me about your letter is that A told you he felt betrayed because you had not explained to him “what the ceremony would be like,” and because he had always “thought that [you] were only culturally Jewish, and was upset to see [you] participating in this kind of ceremony.” It seems to me that your fight was not about Judaism or your participation in it, but that you experienced a communication breakdown. Perhaps A felt out of place at the ceremony, and not having been told just how different it
would be from secular experiences, was surprised and hurt to see you enjoying yourself while he felt like “the other.”

In dating people of other faiths, colors, and cultures, I think it is important to be sensitive to one another’s experiences by providing information, and putting things into a cultural context (ie. Not just bringing dates along to Jewish ceremonies, but explaining why things are practiced the way they are), and – as in any relationship – keeping the lines of communication traffic-free and running smoothly. In other words, prepping each other as much as possible on the differences that you can expect. In this way you do not have to feel like “the other,” but instead feel like you are learning about another culture.

Interfaith relationships aren’t easy. Even perfectly secular families turn into religious zealots at the idea of their little son or daughter running off with someone who doesn’t share their cultural background. Interfaith – just as interracial relationships – need to be that much stronger in order to survive the sideways glances, the hallway-comments, the resistance, that you will inevitably face. But if you find someone who you love and cannot live without, take it from me, it is possible to make it through.
–Melissa Krodman

Since you and A haven’t been dating for too long now is the time to have that important discussion about religion – what aspects of each religion are important to maintain in order to make each person happy. You need to make sure that all the pieces are compatible with each other on a religious level so that you can both continue to practice (or not practice) your religion side-by-side without conflict. By talking it through you’re also educating your partner on why your religion is important to you and why certain traditions are in place. The discussion might not go perfectly and things may get heated, but it’s a necessary conversation to have to avoid fights down the road. I understand how A could feel out off at an orthodox wedding, especially without any warning of what to expect. You have to remember that all the Jewish traditions you’re used to are totally new for him and providing him with some background along with your own opinions for any Jewish event will save you a lot of aggravation down the road. With any two people from different backgrounds coming together in any relationship, you have to make sure to talk things out. You need to be sure that A will treat your religious values with respect so that you can have a successful relationship. He doesn’t have to agree with them or even participate with you if it makes him uncomfortable, but he does have to acknowledge this is a part of who you are and respect that.
–Lesley Hershman

Good thing it has only been two months and not two years. That is my gut reaction, but you probably want a little more than that. On one hand, if you knew it was going to be an orthodox wedding, you owed an explanation to A on what to expect. Just like A would need to prep you for a traditional Hindi wedding if you were to attend with him. Secular or not, Jews or not, we all have the responsibility to prep our new partners for a major social event. You get no points from me for making him walk into a celebration that would be uncomfortable for many Jews, let alone for someone Hindu.

Now I beg to differ with you. “We’re very compatible in every way, and I can see myself spending many years with him.” You can see yourself spending many years with a man who thinks it is betrayal that you have some connections to your religion? That you have friends who are orthodox? That you might be more Jewish than chicken soup and Coffee Talk?

I’m over him already, but you might need some time. Isn’t summer break coming up? Go home, try to connect with the Jewish community and see if your missing something. Better to find out you are too Jewish now than in ten years when you are pregnant with your first son and he isn’t down with a bris.
–Leah Jones